Non-Malignant

The text was blurry as I looked down after a long, long, looooooong day at work.  I cleared my glasses and then my eyes teared up as I read, “Good news! The tumor was non-malignant.” It was from my Dad.  It was everything I had wanted to hear since his “simple procedure” went crazy and left him in the ICU for 2.5 days, and had Will and I up in NY for the last two weekends to help with Dad and Mom. The rush of relief sent my heart into massive flutters and this headache came on like none I had experienced in a long time.  My chest tightened and I just let the tears fall as I went about the end of my day chores at work, thanking God everyone had already gone home.

For the past 3 weeks I have been left in complete chaos, from my job to my dad’s hospitalization to Will’s dad’s hospitalization.  The stress I have felt has been unlike any other and no matter how much I give it to God, give it away, journal it, go for a run my true peace is in Will’s arms. He is my one constant in all of this change, in all that is now beyond  my control. In the past 3 weeks I have snapped at him, I have nagged him, I have started little tiffs only to be loved in return. The stress of not knowing if my Dad had cancer, of not knowing how Dad Parry’s MRI turned out, in not knowing so much in my everyday work life, I lashed out at the one person who I promised to cherish from “this day until I die.” Will and I had a very important talk about money on our last trip down from NY. We both were getting defensive and finally I just put my hand on his leg and said, “Will, it’s just money.  We have to promise to always talk to each other about money straight up and honestly and we can never, EVER let it come between us.  Pinkie swear….” we crossed our pinkies and kissed our thumbs…the usual pinkie promise, DUH.

This first year and a half of marriage has been amazing.  It has been full of ups and downs but what I am most amazed by is how even in all the work of making sure we talk and don’t just assume, that feeling of floating when he kisses me hello after we walks in the door from school, that complete draw I have to him physically, mentally and spiritually, that is all still there.  In the midst of all the chaos, I just have to be still with him, just lay in his arms and study his smile wrinkles and the anger, the little tiffs they just fall away.

He is my constant. My dear heart.  My one and only!

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