I have thought long and hard about this post….what I would say….how I would say it? I think being married brings about a revolution to my identity. For 33 years I dated in hopes of finding “The One!” I dated casually one summer, but other than that I have been in serious relationships that have ended with, “It’s not you, it’s me,” stated by the guy turning his back and walking away. I am not saying I am a victim or a martyr. I have played an active role in placing too much emphasis on the “we” of my old relationships and not establishing a “me” throughout the duration of each relationship. I BECAME each relationship, instead of maintaining healthy boundaries and seeing myself as important as the guy who was sitting across the table from me on date after date. After being dumped by eHarmony boyfriend of 2 years, where I gave more of myself than I thought possible, I gave up on dating for a whole year. I traveled to London to visit close family friends. I traveled to Oregon to spend time with my Uncle and cousins in Washington state. I went to NY to visit my Mom and Dad and when my final year in my occupational therapy assistant program began, I threw myself into my studies, achieving honors in all my classes and was picked to be the key note speaker at my graduation. I went to therapy to figure out what the heck was the matter with me that I gave almost all of myself for the approval of the men I dated. Then I gave online dating a second chance, met Will and with all the knowledge I had obtained in my year of “Me” I was able to balance falling in love with having healthy boundaries, keeping me from worshiping Will and making him run away like ALL the others before him.
So, now we are here. 9 months into marriage and I am insanely in love with William A. Parry. Only this time, I find myself maintaining this state of, “Me vs We.” When we discuss our future and our dreams I use the word, “me” almost without blinking, and I find that he is always catching himself saying, “I” and “me” and apologizing as he corrects himself to, “us” and “we.” I am always amazed by this, and after over a year in relationship land with Will, I am starting to let my walls come down. I will say, “When I go out west to visit my cousin…” he will jump in and say, “when WE go out went to visit your cousin.” Or he will start off saying, “my parents were wondering…..I mean OUR parents were wondering…” These little corrections which include me into his passions and dreams, these little corrections which break down my defensive walls, make my heart feel safe and special. I am not a “me” so much now as I am a “we” and I am okay with that. The wildly independent, single women in me that was made that way after years of breakups and rejections, is starting to see that there is no need to be afraid of “we.” I have not lost myself because I choose to become Mrs. Parry and use “we” instead of “me.” There no longer needs to be a war between “me vs we.” Will and I are married, our dreams have become united as we choose to put each other first throughout every morning, every day, every week and so on. I think one day soon I will stop being surprised when he corrects my “me” talk and turns it into “we” talk. Until then, I will revel in the scripture verse that says, “I am my beloved’s and he is mine.” I do not feel threatened to be a “we” like I thought I would be. Instead I feel covered and loved, like I finally belong.