Fear of being loved

The fear of never being loved is often what we hear about.  The fear of being loved is the mystery that rages within some of us.  The fear that the chaos could stop, that the anxiety could go, that stability does in fact exist.  It is so easy to sit in anxiety when it is all you’ve ever known.  Stability is the unknown, not chaos.  It is so hard for Will to understand what I mean when I tell him what I have just written above.  “Wouldn’t you want to get out of chaos?” he asks often.  What he doesn’t understand is that our marriage IS stability for me.  When I wake up to his cooking, when I come home to his cooking, when we pass moments in complete silence just holding each other, or tend to different chores while together in the apartment, he is my stability.  I have to say that I am a bit sappy and I find that even after we hug good night and roll to our sides of the bed I get homesick for his arms. The thought of us being apart for more than a night, takes the wind out of my sails and I tear up.  To have my default become happy, positive, joyful without feeling the rug will fall out from under me is so new and amazing.  To not fight, but to talk out all our thoughts and differences without doors being slammed or glasses being broken, this is new.  To be so in love that I can honestly say, “getting married was the best decision of my life,” makes me smile. And yes, the naysayers comment like, “oh, just wait 7, 10, 30 years….you will be wanting a break from him,” but for now, 10.5 months into marriage I am so happy to tear up at the thought of not spending a night next to my love, to not waking up to his beautiful face, to not having our morning coffee chats for 3 mornings…I am gonna let myself tear up. I was waiting for 34 years to find my William Parry, and now he is mine, my handsome and loving husband who puts me first and cares for my every need. I do not want to take for granted a single hour, minute, second being with him.  So, Memorial Day 2016…enjoy my husband, but he is mine! lol!

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